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Lost in the great abyss aka my desktop...

9/3/2010

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(I was recently cleaning off my desktop and found this post from September 3rd that I never posted so here it is.)

As I sit here in bed I hear the rumble of the attic fan and feel the cool breeze over my skin.  I have had an amazing past couple of days hanging out with my family at table rock.  It has been awhile since the entire family has been down here together, really I can’t even remember when it last happened, maybe 2 or 3 yrs ago.  Yes that long.  When I look back 3 years ago I could hardly image I would be in the place I am now.  It was the beginning of my first year of medical school, new people, an overwhelming amount of material, and giving up the free time I once called my own.  I had boyfriend then and now I find myself dating someone new who I have know since I first moved to Columbia to start college.  The way the world works is unpredictable a concept that I struggle with because I am constantly planning, making a list, and checking things off.  However, life isn’t like that, even when you think you have everything figured out a curve ball comes your way and changes your life.

Right now I struggle to find where I fit in, what stage of my life I am in, and what direction I want to take it in.  I am scared I have sacrificed several precious years of my life to doing something I didn’t particularly like doing (aka sitting in windowless basement rooms studying).  I think to myself did I make the right decision, I just don’t know.  I feel lost and overwhelmed at times, craving for direction of any kind.   Then I take a moment to pause and reflect on my days spent on the wards or in clinics, the times when I am interacting with the patients.  Those interactions make everything worth it to me and I realize I made a difference; even if is just a small one. 

The patients also give me direction in my life; I see patients one day and find myself wondering how they are doing weeks later.  To me this is a sign that I want to work in specialty where I will have long lasting relationship with my patients.  I want to grow up and work somewhere where I don’t have to spend a half hour reading up on the patient before I see them.  I simply want a quick refresher and walk into the room knowing their history already because I have treated them for years.  The day will come, all too soon, where I have to make my final decision on what exactly I want to spend the rest of my life doing.  For me I think the decision will rest in what makes me happy and makes me wake up looking forward to going to work each day.

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    Author

    My name is Meg and I am currently a Geriatrics and Palliative Care Fellow at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City.  I started this blog several years ago as a way to remember and talk about what I experienced while studying abroad in Rwanda during the summer of 2009.

    The blog has now continued and still serves as a way to let my friends and family know what I have been up to and a way for me to open up.

    Disclaimer: The contents on this site represent my personal opinions, views, and experiences.  They do not reflect the views of my employer or sponsor program.

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