As I sit here in bed I hear the rumble of the attic fan and feel the cool breeze over my skin. I have had an amazing past couple of days hanging out with my family at table rock. It has been awhile since the entire family has been down here together, really I can’t even remember when it last happened, maybe 2 or 3 yrs ago. Yes that long. When I look back 3 years ago I could hardly image I would be in the place I am now. It was the beginning of my first year of medical school, new people, an overwhelming amount of material, and giving up the free time I once called my own. I had boyfriend then and now I find myself dating someone new who I have know since I first moved to Columbia to start college. The way the world works is unpredictable a concept that I struggle with because I am constantly planning, making a list, and checking things off. However, life isn’t like that, even when you think you have everything figured out a curve ball comes your way and changes your life.
Right now I struggle to find where I fit in, what stage of my life I am in, and what direction I want to take it in. I am scared I have sacrificed several precious years of my life to doing something I didn’t particularly like doing (aka sitting in windowless basement rooms studying). I think to myself did I make the right decision, I just don’t know. I feel lost and overwhelmed at times, craving for direction of any kind. Then I take a moment to pause and reflect on my days spent on the wards or in clinics, the times when I am interacting with the patients. Those interactions make everything worth it to me and I realize I made a difference; even if is just a small one.
The patients also give me direction in my life; I see patients one day and find myself wondering how they are doing weeks later. To me this is a sign that I want to work in specialty where I will have long lasting relationship with my patients. I want to grow up and work somewhere where I don’t have to spend a half hour reading up on the patient before I see them. I simply want a quick refresher and walk into the room knowing their history already because I have treated them for years. The day will come, all too soon, where I have to make my final decision on what exactly I want to spend the rest of my life doing. For me I think the decision will rest in what makes me happy and makes me wake up looking forward to going to work each day.